I’m going through one of the biggest changes in my life, and I’m kinda scared. I’m losing my home, my wife, my business partner, and the community I built around my beautiful household. I’m not afraid of what will happen next. I’m a little concerned about finding a decent place where my daughter and I can live. I’m not afraid of divorce or worried about money. Maybe I’ve been through enough. Those things don’t bother me.
What scares me is not knowing what’s going to happen with my ideals. I cling to them pretty hard, but I’m starting to feel like they aren’t serving me so well. I mean really, I’ve tried this crap a bunch of times, call it passion (air quotes), and something just ain’t workin’. It must be the model that’s wrong, right? My dreams must be out of whack, my expectations all farschmoozled.
Most of us have dealt with big changes like moving, breakups, graduations, career shifts, loss. I want to know what it’s like for you. What scares you about those changes, and what would help you get through it? We all want to come out the other side stronger, wiser, more balanced, and more passionate… don’t we?
What would that take?
Yay, I failed!
One of the first things I practice with students is the celebration of failure. I learned this from the fabulous improv performer and teacher Barbara Scott. Be proud of your mistakes. Raise your fists high over your head and cheer, “Yay, I failed! I feel stupid! I screwed up!” Really, what we are celebrating is that we tried something hard.
Well fuckin’ Yay!
Yay, I tried to build a community of loving families that shared a home, a garden, meals, tools, an investment, and a vision of cooperation, and I failed!
Yay, I tried intimate collaboration around a business that would change people’s lives and make a bunch of money, and I failed!
Yay, I tried to make another marriage work by listening hard, sharing deep, asking for the moon, and giving blood, and I failed!
Yay, I feel stupid!
Yay, I tried a bunch of hard things!
Yay!
* I failed *
The Role of Idealism
Ideals are dangerous. Clinging to them is the stuff of wars and political brinkmanship. But idealists. Who would we be without them? There would be no bridges, transistors, or moon landings. No art. No Olympics. No pacifism, veganism, feminism. No 40-hour work week. There would be no optimism.
There would be no ladders.
“Lenny was never afraid to make big mistakes. He was never afraid to fall off the top rung of a ladder, and I learned by implication that the worst thing you could do was fall off a low rung. If you’re going to make a mistake, make a huge one.”
Those are Stephen Sondheim’s words about Leonard Bernstein. I’m taking solace in them because failing big is getting to be my thing.
Hello Lenny! I may chuck of couple of my ideals, but I’m keeping my idealism. There are a few more ladders I’m planning to climb before my time is up. See you on the way down!
Designing a Balanced Life
As the last millenium clocked out, along with the first half of my life, I started to invent what I now call Designing a Balanced Life. It works for me, and it’s starting to work for some other folks. All it means is that we have a system to help us respond to change. We’re doing okay.
Yes, I am afraid. The unknown future scares me sometimes. So while I stoke up the ol’ Pilot Fire I wonder, when facing a big change, what scares you? And what would you need to come through it wiser, stronger, more loving— to stay balanced?
Facing change and failure could be one of the scariest things ever, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and no doubt that after you go through it you would be relieved. Two years ago in the midst of the economic crisis I left my secure, more or less well paid job in pursue of a better future. The uncertainty was so scary that it took me a couple years to finally make the decision. Now more than a year after that I look back and it was the best thing. What I go to when facing uncertainty or difficulty, big choices or big failures, is the Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement, as if going to get advice from an old uncle that know things.
You’re are starting something big here, and maybe this your living is what you need to go to the next level of your dreams.
Daniel
Wow. This blog and your complete honestly makes me wonder how anything bad could ever happen to such an open minded person. Ok- “bad”- right, it’s “change” not “bad”- but damn, all of that is so scary and trust me I know those feelings first hand. I find compassion and acceptance in your honesty knowing that I am not the only one meandering in and out of mind processing and fear about the other side and all the freeking “what if’s”. Love you Idd. Keep your heart open…
I totally agree with Lisa – thanks David for being so open and honest. I can really relate, having lost everything some years back – it was the scariest thing that ever happened to me, but I can truly say now, looking back, that it was the right thing, and that I learned so much from it. You don’t really know how strong you are unless your strength really gets tested. Trust your strength – obviously you have piles of it – look what you built before you fell from it. You can build it again, and it might even be easier to build the next time.
You have created some thing valuable and important here, a platform to speak the raw and honest truth of your situation, feelings, fears. You have created community and in this community, support and compassion for the challenges and changes that you now face. My own experience has been that the events, feelings, and conflict that LEAD up to where you now bravely stand IS the worst part of the process of evolving. I say evolving rather than failing because the word fail implies blame. You have not denied or buried the truth and that is huge. I do not want to sound trite here, but when a door closes, another opens, and I hope you are able to see, sooner than later, that new dawn, horizon and path forward. Grief will give way to excitement and renewed enthusiasm. This has proven true for me and my family. I hope this helps in some small way.
What gracious words of wisdom and support! I’m feeling your love, and I’m also feeling your inspiration. Thanks for the many kind words.
This free fall is actually enjoyable— at the moment. Love is like a big cushion. Downward ho!
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure, without losing your enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill
Hey David,
I honor you for being so open and honest about feeling scared!
Would love to talk with you in person about this….coffee/lunch sometime?
Robin
Davide = Your shared ‘state of being’ touched me deeply, and
having watched you since your infancy I searched my trove
of thought to spur you on; finding a dearth, I turned to my favorite Irish poet, John O’Donohuer’s book “TO BLESS THE SPACE
BETWEEN US” for words of encouragement. I am going to send
via ‘snail mail’ because there are more than 1000 ‘characters’ to say what I want to you. In the meantime, know that your openness and
honesty are gifts which all your friends and ‘family’ value. You are the BEST and will rise above your present ‘dark place’ shining with
new found wisdom–Love and peace for the journey! Ginnie
Fellow Space Travelers,
My biggest appreciation goes to you for this outpouring of support and love. Even if I was calling out for what scares you, and suggestions about what you would need (and trying not to sound pathetic because I hardly feel that way), I’m deeply moved by your words of kindness for me. Thank you. –David, Davide, Idd
What scares me then… Ending up alone for the rest of my life. Well, to be honest, that only sort of scares me. It only scares me when I think about it, and I don’t really think about it that often! Since I have removed a lot of “main stream media” from my life, I think that may have something to do with not feeling panicked about things I would be told I should be panicing about.
Also, I did not have children, and that sort of scares me. Now it’s too late to have kids. Who will take care of me when I’m old? But I’m only sort of scared of this because I’ve been on my own for so long, that I don’t really think about being alone.
The thing that really scares me though, is my screwed up family, and how that might affect me. They are sort of going down the tubes, and I can’t help them. And I’m the black sheep because of that. It’s complicated. And very icky. One day, my parents will need help, and I can’t help them. That makes me bad. That is scary.
Well, now there Catherine, in the game of life’s terrors you’re showing us the face cards. I’ve been tempted to write about how all our other fears are masks for the ones you’ve illuminated: fear of being alone, powerless, or surrounded by craziness and powerless. I think for many people the fear of death is about that, being alone forever… powerless. Thank you for braving us to the basics.